It's Facebook, You Pansycake!
by LostInThePost
Summary: An Erudite descendent of Mark Zuckerberg recreates the iconic website called 'Facebook' and the factions become obsessed with it... Divergent retold in the style of Facebook. A crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer for all chapters: I do not own Divergent or Facebook, just in case you pansycakes didn't know._

* * *

_Prologue: Facebook begins._

Jeanine Matthews sat leisurely on her chair, twiddling her fingers in impatience. Occasionally, she glanced at the clock on the wall, almost encouraging it to speed up. But when Eric burst through the door, she was more pleased than surprised.

"Jeanine! We have him!" Eric proclaimed, punching the air in glee.

"Well bring him in then!" Jeanine orders, barely able to contain her excitement. Two Dauntless soldiers rushed into the room, dragging a young man between them; who was trying to escape their strong hold.

"Well, well, well..." Jeanine smirked, springing up from her chair. She sauntered over to the man being held prisoner. "Lucas Howe, descendent of Mark Zuckerberg."

The man, Lucas, widens his eyes in shock. "How do you know who I am? Why do you want me!?"

"You have a very useful website idea we like." Jeanine grinned threateningly.

"Facebook." Lucas uttered under his breath. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't quiet enough.

"Exactly! Give it to me." She commanded.

"No! You can't make me!"

Jeanine raised an eyebrow at Eric before throwing him a set of keys. Eric cackles and opens a vault placed at the back of the room.

"We found this weapon of persuasion in the Amity vaults..." Jeanine began. "They discovered it long ago, when the factions began. It has been said to be so sinister and twisted, that it renders some people deaf."

Eric's hand re-emerged from the vault, clutching tightly a CD case. It gleamed in the little sunlight available, highlighting the boy on the front cover. The artist's name was also revealed on the front. It read; Justin Bieber.

Lucas' eyes widened in fear. "No... It can't be!"

Jeanine broke into a smile. "So you've heard of it?"

"I thought it was nothing but a horror story... I didn't think it was real!" Lucas yelled, trying to escape the room.

"Tie him up!" Jeanine ordered to the Dauntless guards. They rushed over to Lucas and secured him tightly to a chair.

"Now, Lucas... Facebook or torture?" she questioned.

Lucas remained silent.

"Very well. Take him away!"

"No! Please! No!" Lucas begged as he was hauled into a room connected to the room with Jeanine in. Jeanine and Eric walked up to the glass wall that separated them from Lucas and observed. Through the glass, they watched the Dauntless guards slip the CD into a stereo and hurriedly leave the room. Then the song began. Eric and Jeanine chortled with laughter as Lucas writhed in the chair.

"_And I was like, baby, baby, baby..." _

Lucas yelled "Nooooooooo!" in agony.

"Aw, look, Eric... Lucas is singing along." Jeanine spluttered and continued to watch. By the time the song had nearly ended, Jeanine grew bored of hearing Lucas' screams.

"Come on, Eric." she ordered. "Let's set up Facebook!"

* * *

Chapter 1 of Divergent, Facebook Style. 

**Natalie: **Just cutting **Beatrice**'s hair. Lalalala! Thank God us Abnegation don't look in the mirror often... I really messed up her hair at the back.  
**Caleb and Andrew Like This**

* * *

**Beatrice: **Aptitude test day today... :S  
_Comments  
__**Caleb: **__Don't sweat, be swag.  
__**Beatrice: **__…_

* * *

**Caleb **likes **being selfless **and **Abnegation 4 Life**

* * *

**Caleb: **Just gave my seat up for some Candor dude :)  
**Susan, Beatrice, Natalie and 3 Others Like This  
**_Comments  
__**Susan: **__Oh Caleb, you're so Abnegation *sighs wistfully*  
__**Caleb: **__I know. I can't imagine getting another faction on my aptitude test. Hehehehe ;)  
__**Susan: **__What?  
__**Caleb: **__Nothiiiiing ;)_

* * *

**Caleb: **OMG **Beatrice **be tripping on the bus! Can u not embarrass me? Can u not?  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__For someone so selfless, you can be pretty mean.  
__**Caleb: **__At least I don't pretend to be Abnegation! Oh, LOL. The irony! XD  
__**Beatrice: **__What are you even on about? Shut up and stop spamming my notifications._

* * *

**Beatrice to Caleb: **Aren't you worried about the aptitude test?  
_Comments  
__**Caleb: **__Erm, are you?  
__**Beatrice: **__Um, not really.  
__**Caleb: **__K.  
__**Beatrice: **__You didn't answer my question :/  
__**Caleb: **__Boo, you whore._

* * *

**Random Erudite boy: **Some stupid Stiff got in my way this morning. I hate Abnegation. I want to watch that faction burn.  
**Caleb Likes This  
**_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__Caleb, how could you like this?!  
__**Caleb: **__I was being selfless! This boy wouldn't have gotten any likes if I didn't like this! I love Abnegation! It will always be my home... Hehehe ;)_

* * *

**Beatrice **likes **Dauntless **

* * *

**Beatrice: **Wow, those Dauntless people. They are fun to watch. Life for them must be so amazing.  
_Comments  
__**Andrew: **__Beatrice, shut up, those people are "hellions." Don't even think about it. You are gonna stay in Abnegation ur whole life and have Abnegation babies so shut ur fat mouth __and get to Faction History class.  
__**Beatrice: **__K.  
__**Susan: **__Don't worry, Beatrice. Me and you can be best buddies and stay in Abnegation fooorrrreeevvvveeer! :D  
__**Beatrice: **__Kill me now._

* * *

_A/N: Not the most original of ideas, but I wanted to write something funny (Well, I hope it is!) As you can tell, the characters are very OOC but that's so it can be (sorta) humorous. Like it/hate it? _


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of Divergent, Facebook Style.

**Beatrice:** Waiting for the aptitude test. Yay! -.- with **Susan.  
Susan Likes This**

* * *

**Beatrice: **Ugh, Abnegation is so silent!  
_Comments  
_**_Susan: _**_Beatrice! Stop writing on here! People might... NOTICE YOU! D:_

* * *

**Caleb: **Woo! My turn! Wish me luck, guys ;)  
**Natalie, Andrew and Beatrice Like This**

* * *

**Beatrice: **Caleb doesn't even need to take this stupid test. We all know he's _clearly _Abnegation.  
**Natalie and Andrew Like This**

* * *

**Caleb **likes **deceiving others.**

* * *

**Susan: **Me and **Beatrice **are gonna do this like a _boss! _Eeeek! Here we go.

* * *

**Beatrice **updated her location to **Aptitude Test Room**

* * *

**Beatrice **and **Tori **are now friends.

* * *

**Tori **to **Beatrice: **Sit down, bitch.  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__K  
__**Tori: **__Now, lemme just fiddle wiv these machines and pretend to look technical.  
__**Beatrice: **__Ew, what's up with that ugly pigeon tattoo on ur arm?  
__**Tori: **__Omg. Stfu. U don't know ma story!  
__**Beatrice: **__Good.__I don't want to know.  
__**Tori: **__FINE. Drink this.  
__**Beatrice: **__Um... ok...  
__**Tori: **__Hahaha :) Enjoy, bitch!  
__**Beatrice: **__Whuuuu-_

* * *

**Beatrice** used the application **Aptitude Test**

* * *

**Beatrice's gameplay via the app Aptitude Test...**

**Random Woman **to **Beatrice: **Myyyyy baskets bring the kids to the yard and they're like "this choice is so hard." Damn right, it is so hard. Knife or Cheese, now go and pick one!  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__What are you talking about?!  
__**Random Woman: **__Omg, it's Kelis! Nvm. Hipster music. You probably wouldn't know it. -.- NOW PICK ONE.  
__**Beatrice: **__No.  
__**Random Woman: **__K._

**Random Woman **removed all options and left **Beatrice **all alone.

**Beatrice **to **Random Woman: **Come back plz!  
_Comments  
__**Random Woman: **__Trololololololololol!_

**Random Woman **has left **Aptitude Test (app)**

**Wild Dog** is now online.

**Wild Dog: **Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! **Beatrice**, you gon die.

**Beatrice: **Not looking at that **Wild Dog. **It's so mean :'(

**Beatrice **and **Wild Dog** are now friends.

**Wild Dog **to **Beatrice: **Woof. I like you.

**Little girl **is now online.

**Little girl: **Omg a puppy! Can't control my feels rn! So amazing!

**Wild Dog:** Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! **Little girl**, you gon die.

**Beatrice **gave **Wild Dog **a **Mega Hug On The Floor.**

**Wild Dog **and **Little Girl **left **Aptitude Test (app)**

**Creepy Man **is now online.

**Creepy Man **posted a **photo **onto **Beatrice's Timeline.  
**_Comments  
__**Creepy Man: **__Do you know this guy?  
__**Beatrice: **__No.  
__**Creepy Man: **__LIAR. You know him!  
__**Beatrice: **__No.  
__**Creepy Man: **__WTF, you could save me!  
__**Beatrice: **__YOLO._

* * *

_**Beatrice **__left the application __**Aptitude Test.**_

* * *

_A/N: That was so bad, it is painful. Sorry about that. My humour shrivelled up and died. _


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 of Divergent, Facebook Style.

**Beatrice: **Well, that was weird.  
_Comments  
__**Tori: **__Tell me about it! What the HELL was that?! BRB!_

* * *

**Beatrice: **Oh gosh. This is not a good sign...

* * *

**Tori **to **Beatrice: **Lemme be honest with you... Your results were 50 Shades of Cray! XD  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__I don't understand D:  
__**Tori: **__Gurl, you're 3 factions!  
__**Beatrice: **__LOL wut?!  
__**Tori: **__You didn't choose the cheese so you weren't Amity and you didn't tell the truth so you're not Candor... But, agh. Your results are just too weird to explain.  
__**Beatrice: **__So what faction am I?  
__**Tori: **__Idk, bro. You're Dauntless, Abnegation AND Erudite! Which gives us a problem...  
__**Beatrice: **__The only problem here is your stupidity. You can't even decide what faction I am!  
__**Tori:**__-_-  
__**Beatrice: **__Apply cold water to burned __area.  
__**Tori: **__Why do I even bother? -.- You're Divergent, k?_

* * *

**Beatrice: **Guess who's Divergent? Meeeee! :D  
_Comments  
__**Tori: **__U mad bro?! You must keep it secret!  
__**Beatrice: **__Why?  
__**Tori: **__It's top secret! Never tell anyone, EVER, in your whole entire life!  
__**Beatrice: **__Well, I've just told the whole internet...  
__**Tori: **__Delete this status!  
__**Beatrice: **__Ok_

* * *

**Beatrice **likes **secrets**

* * *

**Tori **to **Beatrice:** Go home.  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__Racism!  
__**Tori: **__?  
__**Beatrice: ***__Factionism!  
__**Tori: **__You should go home because you have a lot of thinking to do about your decision.  
__**Beatrice: **__What about Caleb?  
__**Tori: **__I'll tell him where you're going._

* * *

**Beatrice: **Walking home. Yeah. Living life on the edge, today.

* * *

**Beatrice: **I love Abnegation, but is this really where I belong?  
_Comments  
__**Andrew: **__YES IT IS.  
__**Beatrice: **__…_

* * *

**Beatrice: **Some Factionless guy is staring at me... Must... Keep... Walking...Avoid...Eye contact!

* * *

**Factionless Guy **to **Beatrice: **Hey, do you have anything I can eat?  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__A knuckle sandwich if you don't leave me alone!  
__**Beatrice: **__**I meant to say, "Yes." Stupid auto-correct!  
__**Factionless Guy: **__…_

* * *

**Beatrice **gave **Factionless Guy **some **Apple Slices  
**_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__Dude, let go of my wrist!  
__**Factionless Guy: **__Your eyes are sexy.  
__**Beatrice: **__If you let go of me, I will give you some toothpaste 'cause daaayuuum __you really need it!  
__**Factionless Guy: **__And you're pretty young to be walking around by yourself...  
__**Beatrice: **__FYI, I'm 16.  
__**Factionless Guy: **__Wait, isn't today the day before you make the decision that could ruin your life if you screw up?  
__**Beatrice: **__Thanks for the words of encouragement, NOW LET GO OF ME!_

* * *

**Beatrice: **I swear if that **Factionless Guy** doesn't let go of me, he'll PAY :(  
_Comments  
__**Andrew: **__And what will he pay?  
__**Beatrice:**__ … __He'll pay me a visit in Abnegation, of course! You know, we'll chill out and... stuff.  
__**Andrew: **__Hmmm._

* * *

**Factionless Guy **to** Beatrice: **Choose wisely.  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **Oh, don't worry, I will now__ you've let go of me!_

* * *

_A/N: I know I've not updated this in forever and for some weird reason you guys want more of it. So, um, there you go. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4 of Divergent: Facebook Style_

**Beatrice **updated her location to **Home**

* * *

**Beatrice: **OMG **Caleb**! Where are you? I swear you're slower than Internet Explorer -.-

* * *

**Caleb **is with **Susan **and **Robert**

* * *

**Caleb **to **Beatrice: **What happened? Are you okay?  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__I'm fine, chill out.  
__**Susan: **__O_o  
__**Beatrice: **__I was sick after that crazy woman drugged me. I'm fine now! _

* * *

**Beatrice**: Need to change the subject...

* * *

**Beatrice **to **Susan: **Did you and **Robert **take the bus?  
_Comments  
__**Susan: **__Um, yeah. Why do you care, stalker?  
__**Beatrice: **__I WAS BEING POLITE_

* * *

**Caleb **to **Susan: **You can come over mine tonight ;)  
_Comments  
__**Susan: **__Thanks ;)  
__**Caleb: **__;)  
__**Susan: **__;)  
__**Beatrice: **__And kiss...  
__**Susan: **__Ahem. This is Abnegation.  
__**Beatrice: **__-_-_

* * *

**Susan: **Going home now, bye **Caleb **;)  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__*And Beatrice_

* * *

**Caleb: **Offt, dat ass.  
**Susan likes this  
**_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__Ew, Caleb! Shut up!_

* * *

**Caleb **to **Beatrice: **You gonna tell me the secret now?  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__The truth about my aptitude test is... Nah, I can't tell you ;)  
__**Caleb: **__Yes you can, you can tell me anything because I'm a good Abnegation, honest boy.  
__**Beatrice: **__Hahahaha NO. Why don't you tell me about yours?  
__**Caleb: **__…_

* * *

**Dauntless Train:**_** ***_horn sounds***  
**_Translation by Bing: __"__Come on Beatrice, you know you want to! Join us!"_

* * *

**Beatrice **to **Caleb: **Whatever, just don't tell mom and dad.

* * *

**Beatrice: **Doing a bit of cooking for the family :D  
_Comments  
_**_Caleb: _**_Let me join you.  
_**_Beatrice: _**_Can u not?!_

* * *

**Caleb **likes **selfless cooking **and **being selfless a lot**

* * *

**Caleb: **Defrosting some chicken :)  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__Wow, I didn't know you could defrost yourself!  
__**Caleb: **__I wish you weren't born  
__**Beatrice: **__That's too far, bro, too far._

* * *

**Natalie **and **Andrew **updated their location to **Home**

* * *

**Andrew **to **Beatrice: **How did the test go? Obviously well, you being Abnegation and everything.  
_Comments  
_**_Beatrice: _**_… __Fine_.  
_**Natalie: **__Well, I heard one of the tests was messed up  
__**Andrew: **__OMG, that's rare.  
__**Natalie: **__Ikr! The latest gossip is that the corrupt student got sick and had to be sent home early! Did you guys hear about that?  
__**Caleb: **__No *__cough* __Beatrice  
_**_Natalie: _**_What?  
_**_Beatrice: _**_Nothing!_

* * *

**Natalie **to **Andrew: **What's up?  
_Comments  
__**Andrew: **__The ceiling.  
__**Natalie: **__:/  
__**Andrew: **__Banter! No, really though, Marcus had a bad day at work. The Erudite released a bitchy report about him.  
__**Beatrice: **__A report?  
__**Caleb: **__stfu Beatrice stop being so selfish by talking in a conversation, omg -.-  
__**Andrew: **__Those Erudite are nothing but pathetic, traitorous scumbags who I'd like to-  
__**Natalie: **__Andrew!  
__**Andrew: **__Sorry. They said that Marcus was violent to his son, so that's why his son chose Dauntless over Abnegation!  
__**Natalie: **__Marcus? Abuse his son? NEVER! Marcus is as gentle as a butterfly!  
__**Andrew: **__I know right! He doesn't need to be reminded of his useless son's betrayal to our faction :'(  
__**Beatrice: **__Why are they doing this?  
__**Natalie: **__Beatrice, shut up, ur not in this conversation  
__**Andrew: **__We have something they want. But those losers __aren't gonna get it. Nu-uh._

* * *

**Beatrice: **That's it. I'm not picking Erudite. I hate Erudite.  
**Andrew and Natalie like this**

* * *

**Beatrice **to **Caleb: **Like my status plz  
_Comments  
__**Caleb: **__No  
__**Beatrice: **__Y?  
__**Caleb: **__…_

* * *

**Caleb **to **Beatrice: **Get out of here now before it's too late.  
_Comments  
__**Beatrice: **__What?  
__**Caleb: **__Don't let mom and dad hold you back from going to the faction you want to.  
__**Beatrice: **__…  
__**Caleb: **__I'm going into my room, bye  
__**Beatrice: **__Hey Caleb, why do you have a ton of books in your room?!  
__**Caleb: **__Um.. ah...I'm sorting through them to give to the factionless! You know, can't have young factionless kids seeing rude stuff, can we?  
__**Beatrice: **__Do you have to be so selfless all of the time?  
__**Caleb: **__;)_

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to all of you who actually find this funny_


End file.
